i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
