Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
