69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
