Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
