Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
