The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
