No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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