Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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