She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
