You surviving the open bar?
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I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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