Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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