Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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