sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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