After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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