What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
