as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
