My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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