that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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