this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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