You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
