Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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