My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
