how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
