Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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