Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
only you would photoshop your dick
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
