im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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