She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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