I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
