omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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