Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
