Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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