You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
