I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
