The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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