The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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