In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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