Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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