ya dads aren't the best wingmen
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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