youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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