my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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