I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
