I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
