I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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