Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
