Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
