it was like his penis was on wheels.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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