There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
