no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
