Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
