im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
