you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
