I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
