It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
