they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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