Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
