all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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