ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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