So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
