If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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