I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
