My friends, they love my intelligence
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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