Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
